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Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Top Tips - Part I

LADY DRIVERS - Draw a little diagram on a Post-it showing the position of the hand brake and gearstick, and stick it to your dashboard. This will save you having to look for them when the lights go green.

DOG OWNERS - Don't waste money on a lead. Simply walk your dog backwards holding its tail.

CINEMA GOERS - Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a piss before the film starts.

GERMANS - Don't waste money on expensive, professionally produced scat movies. Simply set your video to record every athletics meeting involving Paula Radcliffe and Hey Presto! After a couple of years you'll have a scat video library second to none.

TEENAGERS - Make sure your dad doesn't find out you've been watching his porn films by not whistling the theme tune to Emmanuelle at the dinner table.

TIGHT-ARSED BLOKES - At this time of year, only date girls called Natalie, Carol, Holly or Eve. Chances are their birthday is around Christmas and you won't have to shell out for a present until then, by which time they will probably have packed you in.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

CONSTIPATED DRIVING INSTRUCTORS - Alleviate your discomfort by disconnecting the dual controls on the car when instructing a new pupil. If a stronger laxative effect is required, do the same thing but with a female learner.

MURDERERS - Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

FATTIES - Take a tip from smokers and stop your cravings for chips by Sellotaping a crisp to the top of your arm each morning.

SUPERMARKETS - Help promote healthy living by putting your cakes, ice creams, pies etc. in aisles that are too narrow for fatties to fit through.

WEIGHT WATCHERS - After reaching your ideal weight, maintain it by weighing yourself before and after a dump. The weight difference is the amount of food you can eat before having another dump.

PUBLIC TOILET USERS - When you realise the person in the next cubicle is holding fire until you leave, simply open and close the toilet door without leaving. Their first plop can then be greeted with a huge cheer.

BAR STAFF - Convince them that your pint is off by sticking your finger up your arse before holding the glass close to their nose.

SHOE BOMBERS - Increase your payload by becoming a clown.

WOULD BE CRIMINALS - Before you commit a crime, get a foretaste of what the world would look like from inside a prison by holding a fork up close to your eye.

SUPERMARKET COLESLAW - Make it go further, by simply grating a carrot, some cabbage and an onion into the tub, then add some mayonnaise. It will last for years.

SUDOKU LOVERS - Solve your puzzles in seconds by logging on to sudoku.sourceforge.net, typing the clues into the grid and clicking the 'solve' button. This will save hours, leaving you plenty of time to do something worthwhile.

POLICE - Save money on expensive sirens by putting a police dog on the roof of your patrol car and shutting the door on its tail before attending a 999 call.

EPILEPTICS - Next time you have a seizure, check yourself in the toilet mirror afterwards to make sure your best friends haven't drawn glasses on your face with a marker pen to the amusement of the rest of the nightclub.

MICRA DRIVERS - The little number 5 on your gearstick refers to what is known as 'fifth gear'. This will allow you to reach speeds of over 25 mph.

LADIES - When treating genital thrush, always ensure you use natural bio-yoghurt and not raspberry flavoured Munch Bunch, with 7 types of cereal, added fiber and calcium, and chocolate syrup.

MINIMISE the chance of stepping in canine pavement deposits when it's too dark to see by taking full length strides with every pace.

SHOPPERS - When buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.

RAPPERS - Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

ENJOY indoor snorkling by filling a bath with water, then removing the plug quickly putting your mouth over it and breathing through the overflow.

FOOL everyone into thinking you have just eaten an apple by rubbing your tummy and saying loudly "Mmm! That was a lovely apple."

2 comments:

Saki said...

Wow!
Where does this comes from, you naughty Tiger?

mawalien said...

Check out VIZ at:

www.viz.co.uk