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Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Top Tips - Part II

ONE ARMED men. If your partner is thinking about getting breast implants, convince her to save money and only get one done.
DEAF PEOPLE Wearing oven gloves outdoors is an ideal way to stop strangers from eavesdropping on your conversation.
BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
SMARTIES tubes pushed over cats' legs make for a futuristic 'space cat'. For a really space age look, cover the tubes in tin foil as well as your pet's tail. This also works with small dogs and the middles out of kitchen rolls.
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.
MOTHERS Don't use poisonous shampoos on your children's hair to get rid of headlice. Scare them away using a dinner plate and an anglepoise lamp to cast a terrifying 'Independence Day' shadow over your child's head.
AMERICANS. Build your houses out of bricks and mortar instead of cheap wood to avoid having them destroyed by hurricanes every few weeks.
PET OWNERS Rats make ideal 'large print' mice for short-sighted cats.
DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly eggtimers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.
SMOKERS. 'Every cigarette you smoke takes 10 seconds off your life', health experts say. To combat this, at the end of every day work out how many seconds you have 'lost', and simply go to bed that much later, or wake up that much earlier the next morning. Hey presto! your lost time is returned.
BARE patches on your lawn? Simply stop mowing a patch at the side and let it grow to a significant length. Then, with a rake, sweep it over the bare patch like Sir Bobby Charlton and TV's Robert Robinson do, to create a realistic look of healthy growth.
SCRABBLE PLAYERS If you have a Q and a U, try to use the Q for words like 'Qi' or 'Qat'. This will free up the U for words like 'Bum', 'Mum' etc.
BREAKFAST LOVERS Make the 'toast always lands butter side down' myth wrong by dropping your toast, then quickly buttering it before someone sees.
WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a shit anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged.
NERVOUS people. Never chew the inside of your cheeks whilst on high strength prescription painkillers.
DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
BUSY executives. Don't buy a Dachshund. Their amusing sausage shape means they take 50% longer to stroke than other dogs, and time is money.
VULCANOLOGISTS If you are ever caught in a volcanic eruption, remember to jump up and down so that your feet are not constantly in the molten lava flow.
WANKERS. Save yourself a great deal of embarrassment by checking that none of your housemates have come home from work sick and are sleeping in their rooms before you put a porn vid on in the living room with the volume on high.


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