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Thursday, July 22, 2010

God is a 13 year old scriptkiddy


God: Noah, all the people of earth are sinners. You alone are righteous.

Noah: Thanks God. Long time fan, first time prophet.

God: So, I have decided to smite the entire world with a flood.


Noah: Erm... Couldn’t you just teach man goodness? Show him you're a caring God? Maybe use your omni-powers to help humans evolve into what you want?

God: No. I’m thinking “flood”.

Noah: So you’d rather just kill every man, woman and child on earth, regardless of what good they've done on th-

God: What part of “flood” do you not understand?

Noah: Gotcha... Ark... two by two.... Roger Wilco...


God: Moses…I have seen the plight of the Jews in Egypt.

Moses: Wow. Only after, uh, 400 years there, right?

God: Yes.

Moses: Awesome.

God: I will take you out of Egypt after ten terrible, terrible plagues.

Moses: …ten?

God: Is there a problem?

Moses: It’s just…ten is a lot. For, you know, God. Couldn’t you get this done in like, one, two plagues max?

God: No. For you see Moses, I will harden Pharaoh’s heart against me.

Moses: So…you are going to stop him from letting us free from slavery.

God: Yes.

Moses: So you can bring more terrible, terrible plagues upon the people.

God: Yes.

Moses: And you see nothing wrong with this picture?

God: ...

Moses: Are there any other God’s up there I can talk to?


Mary: Did you send the child support?

God: Frankincense and myrrh. Yeah.

Mary: Annnnnd?

God: (sighs). And gold. And the gold.

Mary: That’s better.


Job: …

God: Well, this is awkward.


God: Abraham, you must circumcise yourself.

Abraham: As you wish, my lord.

God: LOLOMFG!!!!. He’s totally going to do it! LMAOOLLOOLLL!!!

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