Malawi, me, friends, stories, and whatever else I generally find interesting that's going on in this world...

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Top Tips - Part II

ONE ARMED men. If your partner is thinking about getting breast implants, convince her to save money and only get one done.
DEAF PEOPLE Wearing oven gloves outdoors is an ideal way to stop strangers from eavesdropping on your conversation.
BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
SMARTIES tubes pushed over cats' legs make for a futuristic 'space cat'. For a really space age look, cover the tubes in tin foil as well as your pet's tail. This also works with small dogs and the middles out of kitchen rolls.
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.
MOTHERS Don't use poisonous shampoos on your children's hair to get rid of headlice. Scare them away using a dinner plate and an anglepoise lamp to cast a terrifying 'Independence Day' shadow over your child's head.
AMERICANS. Build your houses out of bricks and mortar instead of cheap wood to avoid having them destroyed by hurricanes every few weeks.
PET OWNERS Rats make ideal 'large print' mice for short-sighted cats.
DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly eggtimers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.
SMOKERS. 'Every cigarette you smoke takes 10 seconds off your life', health experts say. To combat this, at the end of every day work out how many seconds you have 'lost', and simply go to bed that much later, or wake up that much earlier the next morning. Hey presto! your lost time is returned.
BARE patches on your lawn? Simply stop mowing a patch at the side and let it grow to a significant length. Then, with a rake, sweep it over the bare patch like Sir Bobby Charlton and TV's Robert Robinson do, to create a realistic look of healthy growth.
SCRABBLE PLAYERS If you have a Q and a U, try to use the Q for words like 'Qi' or 'Qat'. This will free up the U for words like 'Bum', 'Mum' etc.
BREAKFAST LOVERS Make the 'toast always lands butter side down' myth wrong by dropping your toast, then quickly buttering it before someone sees.
WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a shit anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged.
NERVOUS people. Never chew the inside of your cheeks whilst on high strength prescription painkillers.
DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
BUSY executives. Don't buy a Dachshund. Their amusing sausage shape means they take 50% longer to stroke than other dogs, and time is money.
VULCANOLOGISTS If you are ever caught in a volcanic eruption, remember to jump up and down so that your feet are not constantly in the molten lava flow.
WANKERS. Save yourself a great deal of embarrassment by checking that none of your housemates have come home from work sick and are sleeping in their rooms before you put a porn vid on in the living room with the volume on high.

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Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Texts n stuff

Here are a lot of subtitles:

Here are a lot of ebooks:

Panasonic's interactive TV wall

This thing is just amazing....

Akihabara News have the scoop on this multimedia monster..

Ch ch checkkit out...

XBOX 360 - Getting haxored by the day

It looks like backup copies of games can now be booted on the Xbox 360.
Maxconsole has the video. This hack is similar to the final firmware hack of the original Xbox. The response to the challenge code is written directly in the firmware. So instead of checking the disc, the firmware responds to the challenge directly.
Here are the technical details. This hack doesn’t allow you to run unsigned code or ignore region codes.

All it lets you do is play direct one-to-one copies of game discs.

For now....

Top Tips - Part I

LADY DRIVERS - Draw a little diagram on a Post-it showing the position of the hand brake and gearstick, and stick it to your dashboard. This will save you having to look for them when the lights go green.

DOG OWNERS - Don't waste money on a lead. Simply walk your dog backwards holding its tail.

CINEMA GOERS - Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a piss before the film starts.

GERMANS - Don't waste money on expensive, professionally produced scat movies. Simply set your video to record every athletics meeting involving Paula Radcliffe and Hey Presto! After a couple of years you'll have a scat video library second to none.

TEENAGERS - Make sure your dad doesn't find out you've been watching his porn films by not whistling the theme tune to Emmanuelle at the dinner table.

TIGHT-ARSED BLOKES - At this time of year, only date girls called Natalie, Carol, Holly or Eve. Chances are their birthday is around Christmas and you won't have to shell out for a present until then, by which time they will probably have packed you in.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

CONSTIPATED DRIVING INSTRUCTORS - Alleviate your discomfort by disconnecting the dual controls on the car when instructing a new pupil. If a stronger laxative effect is required, do the same thing but with a female learner.

MURDERERS - Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

FATTIES - Take a tip from smokers and stop your cravings for chips by Sellotaping a crisp to the top of your arm each morning.

SUPERMARKETS - Help promote healthy living by putting your cakes, ice creams, pies etc. in aisles that are too narrow for fatties to fit through.

WEIGHT WATCHERS - After reaching your ideal weight, maintain it by weighing yourself before and after a dump. The weight difference is the amount of food you can eat before having another dump.

PUBLIC TOILET USERS - When you realise the person in the next cubicle is holding fire until you leave, simply open and close the toilet door without leaving. Their first plop can then be greeted with a huge cheer.

BAR STAFF - Convince them that your pint is off by sticking your finger up your arse before holding the glass close to their nose.

SHOE BOMBERS - Increase your payload by becoming a clown.

WOULD BE CRIMINALS - Before you commit a crime, get a foretaste of what the world would look like from inside a prison by holding a fork up close to your eye.

SUPERMARKET COLESLAW - Make it go further, by simply grating a carrot, some cabbage and an onion into the tub, then add some mayonnaise. It will last for years.

SUDOKU LOVERS - Solve your puzzles in seconds by logging on to, typing the clues into the grid and clicking the 'solve' button. This will save hours, leaving you plenty of time to do something worthwhile.

POLICE - Save money on expensive sirens by putting a police dog on the roof of your patrol car and shutting the door on its tail before attending a 999 call.

EPILEPTICS - Next time you have a seizure, check yourself in the toilet mirror afterwards to make sure your best friends haven't drawn glasses on your face with a marker pen to the amusement of the rest of the nightclub.

MICRA DRIVERS - The little number 5 on your gearstick refers to what is known as 'fifth gear'. This will allow you to reach speeds of over 25 mph.

LADIES - When treating genital thrush, always ensure you use natural bio-yoghurt and not raspberry flavoured Munch Bunch, with 7 types of cereal, added fiber and calcium, and chocolate syrup.

MINIMISE the chance of stepping in canine pavement deposits when it's too dark to see by taking full length strides with every pace.

SHOPPERS - When buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.

RAPPERS - Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

ENJOY indoor snorkling by filling a bath with water, then removing the plug quickly putting your mouth over it and breathing through the overflow.

FOOL everyone into thinking you have just eaten an apple by rubbing your tummy and saying loudly "Mmm! That was a lovely apple."