Been listening to Mitch Hedberg all week.
Laffin my ass off in the middle of traffic is cool. Here's a couple of lines from Mitch:
- My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so, Yeah."
- The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
- I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. There's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.
- On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana?
- I like buying snacks from a vending machine because food is better when it falls. Sometimes at the grocery, I'll drop a candy bar so that it will achieve its maximum flavor potential.
- You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", and then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together".
- If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptible...
- My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter, but I don't want them too. I'm like, "Hey... Hold on fellows... Let me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf." Koala bears are so cute, why do they have to be so far away from me. We need to ship a few over, so I can hold one, and pat it on its head.
- Every time I go and shave, I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave too."
(That last one is my personal favourite... applies to sooo many things :) )